Quitting Was Not an Option

As I binged listened to the entire shame series, the flashbacks to my career were at times eye opening, and other times scary. I found myself wishing that this series had been available when I was in medical school or in training in the 1980's.

There was so much shaming and blaming throughout my career. As I reflect back on my 30-odd years as a surgeon, I often wonder if the reason I stuck it out was because I didn't want to seem like a failure or like I wasn't good enough. Or did I stay because at times those in power tried really hard to force me out and I refused to go? The day I graduated one of my attendings said he could not figure out how I finished because they made it as difficult for me as they could. To this day I am not sure if that was supposed to be a compliment or an admission of guilt. My engagement to my husband during my residency was met with an admonishment not to become pregnant because they would fire me. I was told not to take my boards pregnant because pregnancy makes you stupid.

My job prospects were sabotaged by an attending who said I could not operate my way out of a paper bag.

My shame to this day is not standing up for myself. The lessons I learned however made me a better mentor to my  medical students both male and female. I taught them it was ok to ask questions. There is no stupid question, only the unasked one. I allowed and encouraged them to speak up for themselves, to challenge, in a mature way, authority, and to own up to mistakes and missteps. I made sure they knew it was right to stand up for others, and to acknowledge what they knew and didn't know. 

So my shame in the end allowed me to be a better, more compassionate instructor. While I may have regrets for what I didn't do or say, I no longer regret my decision to stay in medicine, orthopedics in particular, because it enabled me to help educate the next generation so they do not have to deal with the same type of shame.

There were very few mentors and only 10 women in my medical school class. We never talked about shame or the fear of failure.