Enough

I always suspected that I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to get into my residency program & that everyone else there was smarter than I was. When I started the story by the intern who required IV fluids [in Ep. 2 “The Ideal Doctor”], though, I felt momentarily big and strong. Because I also needed IVF on call, but my upper level said she couldn’t get me zofran, or help. I vomited through the shift, maneuvering interviews on a stool bc I was too weak to stand, until a friend put an IV in me & gave me fluids.

Suddenly, near the end of this episode, I started sobbing. It just came out of nowhere and wouldn’t stop - I had to pull off the road looking for tissues. I realized that I’d believed this lie - that even if I wasn’t smart enough, if I suffered enough maybe I could still be a ‘good’ doctor. Also, that it’s a personal failing to get sick or ask for help.

18 years after finishing residency, it's not too late to realize that I’m competing against an ideal that doesn’t exist, and that I am, in fact, smart enough. Feeling grateful.